Why Chelsey Shouldn’t Work on New Year’s Eve

There are a lot of reasons why Chelsey shouldn’t work on New Year’s Eve. These are only some of them.

  • Waiting til midnight is more fun than waiting til your shift ends.
  • Getting drunk on the clock is fun but getting drunk with Ashley is more fun.
  • Everyone will like you better. Not just Ashley.
  • You won’t have to take the trash out even once.
  • Dudes will still hit on you, but they’ll have to find you first.
  • Pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeease.

And now, here is some important information to consider before you mate on New Year’s Eve.

Horseshoe crabs may be unevolved as they come, but they must be doing something right.

When mating, male horseshoe crabs gather along the ocean’s shore, waiting for female crabs to show up. Using the gloves they keep on their front legs, the male hangs on for dear life to the female’s shell while she pulls him up the beach like the laziest little good-for-nothing. (People don’t have gloves on their front legs; use a condom)

Except, he is good for something, I guess, because along the way, the female deposits eggs in holes she digs (while still dragging her dude), and when he is dragged over them, he fertilizes them. (Easiest job ever.)

Once this is finished, the tide comes in, and the waves bury the spawn in sand to be forgotten until they become self aware enough to be dragged around or to find a dude of their own to drag.

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